All Over Again

It got better with time. I still thought of how some months back, I could wake up to the smell of brewing coffee. I was horrible at making tea. He preferred making it himself, at the same time, he made me my first coffee of the day. A phone call from the hospital one rainy night stopped it all. I now made my own coffee. No one needed tea at home now.

The first few days were worse I would sleep for almost ten hours yet hardly could walk out of the bedroom. I could hardly breathe when his clothes would come for washing sometimes or when they aired ‘Friends’… how he used to hate it when Kay watched the sitcom! She wasn’t a child anymore, almost 16! How they fought! He deserved it all, I used to say; she gets it all from him, the bullheadedness and all those crazy arguments!

I knew Kay was in an equally bad condition. She had always been his Princess… I used to be that till he couldn’t stop mooning over the violently pink creature in his hands. It was the day she arrived. He had found ‘perfect-for-a-princess-name’ for her- ‘Keya’. He was so utterly irresistible and so cute, talking to his new Princess. He used to brag about how smart she was and how she looked exactly like him!

All those images kept on playing inside my head only to laugh uncontrollably before helplessly bursting into pathetic tears. I would wake up in the middle of the night when sometimes, I could smell him on the pillow beside me… rush to the toilet to get sick. Come back to the bed and stare into nothingness thinking of how he slept through all my morning sicknesses... was he watching at least now? Hope once again that it wasn’t painful for him in those last few minutes. They ‘assured’ me at the hospital that he didn’t suffer much.

I was so caught up with my own grief; I couldn’t look after my baby. But she was such a rock, a toughie! I wished I had her strength. Silence crept over the house which was filled with shouts, laughter, brawls, cheers and all kinds of noises. No discussions happened at the breakfast table now. No one fought over the remote. I drove Kay to the school in silence every morning. Everything seemed to move in a slow motion. As if, it was all a long miserable dream sequence in a movie.

Three months passed away like that… seemed to take forever! The only time I could smile was when I though of him. He was still alive in my head. I kept his closet door open, wasn’t sure why! I brewed tea alongside my coffee, even though no one needed tea at home now. I still called up on his cellphone thrice a day (almost a tradition, I gave him three missed calls everyday, at least because he HATED it). I kept doing all the things I did for him everyday, to keep him alive, at least in my head. It was all so pathetic! Thankfully Kay had no clue about all this. Wasn’t sure how she’d react if she ever found out. I hoped she wasn’t doing the things I was doing… that would be so regressing!

I had taken a half day (again) from work. I had read in the paper in ‘Movies Today’ section that ‘Die Hard’ (his favourite movie) was going to be aired at 5 pm. I couldn’t understand what possibly would make me want to watch that movie that very day! Or maybe I did, nothing quite made sense. I felt like I was living through my adolescence all over again. When I got home, I found Kay sitting at the table, sobbing! Something happened inside me that very instant- I walked to the table and sat on the chair beside hers. She looked into my face, tears shining in her eyes. I put my head on her shoulder. For a long time, none of us talked (which was quite usual these days). Finally, she calmed down and said- “I am going to fail, Ma!”

“That’s alright, sweetie! I think I failed too. But you know what- now we’re going to try and get to the top of all this, ok?”

“He will hate me for this, wont he?”

I felt my nose and throat choke, “Baby! You know he could never hate us! He would want us to learn from our mistakes. Remember the time when he was teaching you to ride that ridiculous pink cycle you made him buy (I could see a little smile on her pink face now); he told you never to get tired to falling off the cycle, because, the more you fall the better you get, he said, remember?” She nodded a bit and mumbled, “I am not sure if that works…”

“Sweetie, I wasn’t sure either! But something happened to me just now, and I know he is right. We’ll get better. I promise!”

“I really want to make this work, Ma! I don’t want you to be alone in this.”

Oh! I could feel the heat off my face! How selfish I had been! “Yes, baby! I want it to work too. I wasn’t sure how to handle it though. We have each other, right”

“Forever!”

“Promise”

She turned to me and hugged me tight! It was like- coming home to my family after a long time in the cold.

That night, Kay came to sleep beside me in the bed. ‘Love Nest’, he used called it! I used to hold my child tightly, she was all I had; the only proof that I once lived the perfect life that people only dream of. She had her daddy’s curly black hair. Thank God, she had his nose, I smiled to myself. As I watched her breathing peacefully in a deep slumber, I felt I had a purpose now- that finally I would be able to get out of bed feeling- ‘capable’.

We are a family and we’re in this together. We are going to get through. I kissed her and slept a sleep- deep and complete.

***

A year and a half rolled away, not exactly smooth as butter, but better. I missed him, terribly. But I wouldn’t want to not-miss him because missing him was a part of loving him. I have always been and will always be in love with him. Yesterday, I was cleaning his closet and found a photo-frame. It was a very pregnant girl on the phone, smiling widely. I see happiness shining in her eyes! The simplicity of that picture blew me away! It was me! I felt that I looked like the most beautiful woman living her most beautiful moment… when I turned the frame over- my heart skipped a few beats- it was his lazy scrawl saying -“You will always be my Princess”. I felt a lump growing in my throat. Even after all these years, he had managed to make me fall in love with him all over again!

When I showed Kay the frame, she was quite miffed initially, and then very peevishly said, “There are two people in that picture!”. I was blown away by her logic. It was her daddy talking in her… I laughed lustily and hugged her - “You’re right! It’s a tie then?”

Before It's Time

It was by chance indeed

That it came there

A tiny seed full of hopes

And dreams and promises

to come out alive someday

To burgeon and thrive with the greenest green

To blossom in all its glory

Waiting for the spring to come

Only if the rains had showered

Only if promises were kept...

But then,

Winter arrived.

Other Woman

She doesn’t have his name,

Doesn’t need it

And doesn’t know if she loves him

Or hates him for this

She has things, possessions

Expensive and exquisite

Better than what his ‘better half’ has

He doesn’t posses her

He knows it too

It was always her way or the highway

He prefers it her way

Always in the dark

She speaks from the shadows

(When she does speak at all)

No one knocks on her door

No one calls in for a visit

There wouldn’t be any kitty parties for her

No homework to be helped with

And doesn’t know if she loves him

Or hates him for this

He goes to his ‘home’ almost every night

But makes sure she is kept well

She is… she is

And doesn’t know if she loves him

Or hates him for this.

Eve

She nourishes, she heals
A nurse, a doctor
She is both and still so much more
A teacher and the pupil,
The learner and the learned
She's a princess, a hermit
And all thats in between
The Virgin, The Martyr,
The Saint and the Witch...
A dreamer, a realist
The wanderer and the woods
She's a woman, a girl
A mother, a child...
The healer and the wounded
The soldier, the sacrifice
A pen, a story... a mystery indeed...

So much for Salsa!!!

I had to admit, how much ever I said that it didn’t bother me that Raj was all over me… it did; it so did! I never really felt any romantic feelings towards him, but since I knew how he felt about me, he was my ultimate back-up plan. God! I could curse myself for being such a bitch! I deserved where I was, all my best friends either getting engaged or on the family way… and me, as hopelessly single as Edith, the woman who played her worn down guitar for some change. No, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t that big a bitch to be actually jealous of them…I was happy for all of them, very happy, just sad for myself… actually, mini-depressed for myself. I had always had the most entertaining love-lifes in the history of love lifes! Not in the sense that would make girls go ‘Awww!’; but in the sense that would make anyone go, ‘Whoaa! Where did that come from?!’.To put it simply, I am not a nymphomaniac and what’s more, I am terrible at commitments; which to urban understanding is- I was bound to be single for a long long time!
My idea of fighting depression was walks, long walks in places I have never seen. I wandered aimlessly for hours. My favorite haunt was this little place near the beach. It was a bunch of hutments near the beach, the roofs were red and blue fishing nets hung on the door. The doors were almost always open. There were crude wooden racks in the front yard, obviously improvised, where fish were hung to dry. Right below the rack on a white sheet prawns were set to dry which would then be salted and pickled or stored at home for special recipes. These people had a life of their own! Even the air smelled different, that may have to do with the freshly caught fish… but yet it was peaceful being so close to the city which never sleeps, this place almost always day-dreamed and napped. Often I got lost walking through the little by lanes and had to ask the locals directions to civilization.
It was a Tuesday, as boring as Tuesdays could get… and I decided to walk to the beach and then to my discovered place (I visit this place often but I didn’t yet know its name). As usual I set out to wander around without purpose, when I noticed a little lane which I had never noticed before and took of that way. There were fewer houses here. I could see a lot of buildings at a distance but nowhere near. There were sparse houses and another lane which was cobbled and cute, but visibly artificial and new. I was curious and took off along this cute roadette, (it was small, I am used to make words of my own). It ended at a gate which stood in front of a cute duplex, red-roofed house. It was painted white and was the cutest house I had ever seen! But I knew somehow it wasn’t a house. The door wasn’t locked, either ways I didn’t knock.
As I opened the door, the sound of the Spanish guitar filled my ears… it was that song from Dirty Dancing 2 ‘Guijira’. I hated the movie but the songs would make me sway my hips in a way that would scandalize my mother. The music came from this huge room whose enterance I could see, slowly I made my way to the door. I could here people laughing and someone shouting “5, 6… 5, 6,7”. There were colorful skirts flying gracefully in one direction. There were couples, girls in skirts and stilettos and guys in shirts and flat shoes. It was some kind of ballroom dance which whenever shown on T.V would become a part of your ‘Things To Do Before 30’ list (I had one). I was mentally highlighting the part in my list about the dance I was going to learn before I am 30 when the person who was giving instructions loudly to all the dancers stopped yelling and looked in my direction. He was tall and well-built, with a Puerto Rican tan and had sea-green eyes!! His shirt was unbuttoned up till his first set of abs (yes he had a 6 pack!). I almost lost my breath when he smiled and waved at me to join them! I stepped unsurely towards the dance floor when he took my hand and yelled, “5,6…5,6,7, back basic… crossbody...” and some other words which I wasn’t sure of because he was dancing with me! When I didn’t even know what dance it was! Yet, I tried to follow his lead; since he made distinct hand movements and gave me slight pushes for me to know where my hand should be and where I should go!
It was the best dance I had ever danced!! Well, atleast I wasn’t mini-depressed now… I had found a new stress buster. Now, I mentally ‘checked’ my ‘Things To Do Before 30’ list, I would be learning this dance well before the big 3-O strikes… my saviour was Salsa and ofcourse, Juan!! Wish me luck!! ;)

Growin' Up

What is growing up?
They say, when you grow up,
You know what the right thing to do is
Who knows what’s right anyways?
There isn’t any rule book that I know of…
Yes, there’s the Bible, the Koran, the Geeta and all of those sorts
But which one to believe in?
They claim that they say different things altogether
Though I see no difference,
They sure don’t agree...

What is growing up?
Becoming hairer and bleeding four days a month
Or being capable of reproducing?
That makes people with a 100 children real grown-ups!
They would know what is the rightest of all things to do
Whether it’s blowing up towers or bombing the cities…

If not, what is growing up then?
Knowing what to say when?
Knowing when to stop playing?
To quit exclaiming loudly when you see a rainbow?
Or is it when you stop believing in fairy-tales?
Is it when you stop crying in company of others
Even if you want to do it the most?
Or to laugh when you don’t really want to?
And say things you don’t really mean to?

Wow! I can’t wait to be a groan up!

Kind of an Ode to Monotony

Monotony, my enemy
Ruins life
It cuts the living soul with a cold-blooded knife

When things don’t change for good or bad
The world becomes boring and sad
Cant stand when life goes just the same
Don’t like it when the world isn’t a bit strange

Life’s a broth which needs spices, salt and a wee bit o’ tang
Without these the feast is indeed quite bland

Life needs ‘em all; whiskey, rum and gin
Add in also, vodka, tequila and a beer tin
Imagine what it would be to drink only water!?!
The world will go mad if it didn’t get a quarter

Just like plain bread n’ butter ain’t no good enough
We need Italian, Chinese and Mexican food stuff

Can’t go on with just black and white
We sure as hell need other hues
The reds, the violets, greens, yellows and blues!

The difference makes a difference all the time
Life needs a kick of cloves and a dash of lime

Why should there be only one husband or one wife?
When variety, my dear, is the spice of life!